SA For Prez

November 3, 2010

Now that the mid-term elections are behind us, our attention turns to the 2012 presidential election. I really don’t know why anyone would want to run for political office (especially that of President) in today’s toxic political environment. I guess it boils down to two types of people, those who want money, power and control, and those with a deep desire to make the world a better place.

I fall into the latter category. I need a job and an income so I’m throwing my hat into the ring. I think I’d make a great “leader of the free world”, but I have a few problems getting my campaign off the ground. The biggest obstacle is that I was born on Uranus. Therefore I’m forming an “Alien Party” for non-earth-born candidates. I also can’t afford a filing fee and don’t know enough people to get up a petition, so I need your donations and support.

You can see that this will have to be a low-budget, grass-roots, internet campaign. If you want me to make America a better place, get onboard the Alien Express.

WELCOME TO MY FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE. 11-03-2010

You are the press corps. Ask your questions in the comments section below. Let’s stick to the issues. What issues? Any issues you want my opinion on. I want to make it clear to the American people where I stand, what sets me apart from the other candidates, and why I’m the best choice for the next president of the United States. Together, we can bring about real change, forge a brighter future for every American, and put a chicken in every pot. I will bring honesty and transparency back to the office of president. I will usher in a new era of peace and prosperity in this country where everyone will have a job and a paycheck – starting with me. I will put an end to terrorism, Palinism, extremism, botulism, communism, egoism, and any other ism that threatens you. You have the right to live long and prosper and I will kick anybody’s ass that says otherwise.

12-08-2011 STRANDED ALIEN NAMES RUNNING MATE

Stranded Alien:
With eleven months to go until the 2012 presidential election, I have finally chosen my running mate for the Alien Party ticket. After much deliberation, I have chosen a human of monumental intelligence, immense experience and unassailable character; a man who has explored the galaxy, made first contact with many lifeforms, done battle with the Borg and lived to tell about it, and used his diplomatic skills to calm warring factions and bring them under the umbrella of the United Federation of Planets. I admit that he was not my first choice, but Jesus was unavailable and not interested in American gutterball politics. That said, I am delighted that this man has agreed to fight beside me to rid America of republicans, restore the global economy to health, promote a progressive agenda, and bring peace and security to Sector 001. Now, without further ado, it is my extreme pleasure to present to you the other half of this winning team, a fellow warrior in the cosmic battle for justice and equality for all, the next Vice President of the United States… Retired Admiral Jean-Luc Picard.

Admiral Picard:
Thank you, Stranded Alien. I’m honored by your confidence in me and by your glorified words of introduction. I don’t mind being your second choice for Vice President, considering who your first choice was. Good day, ladies and gentlemen of the press and citizens of America. I’ve only known the Stranded Alien a short time, but I have visited his home planet of Uranus many times and have found all Uranians to be intelligent, peaceful and hospitable. What I have learned about the Stranded Alien is that he deeply cares about the future of planet Earth. So do I. The course that America is on can only take us to oblivion. It’s time to chart a new course toward prosperity and away from greed; toward clean energy and away from pollution; toward fiscal sanity and away from waste, fraud and abuse; toward peace and liberty for all humans and away from war as a solution for our disagreements. Let’s lay in this new course and press forward into a fantastic future at warp speed. Only the Alien Party, with the Stranded Alien in the captain’s chair, can take you there. Only you, the people, can make it so. Engage! Vote for us in 2012 and we will boldly go where no third-party has ever gone… to victory, success, and a better America for all. Thank you very much.

July 4th, 2012

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Today, our nation celebrates its 236th birthday. As America has aged, partisan politics has become more and more rancorous. With the rise of the Tea Party and the Supreme Court’s disastrous ruling in the Citizens United case that created the odious “superpacs”, our democracy has become so convoluted that NO average citizen has any chance of getting elected to high political office. I may be a gray alien from Uranus, but I consider myself an average, concerned citizen who wants better for the country in which he’s been stranded. What we have now hardly resembles the democracy upon which this country was founded. If Mitt Romney is elected president and the republicans gain any more seats in congress, America will be completely undone.

Therefore, I’m sad to report to you that I am withdrawing from the 2012 presidential race. I don’t have the obscene amount of money that is available to the two major-party candidates. In fact, I’m flat broke. There is no way that I can continue to try to make a positive difference in this hog slop that we call presidential politics. That’s unfortunate because I would have done my best to clean up the mess that the republicans made. Granted, the Democrats are not without blame. Bill Clinton’s repeal of the Glass-Steagall Act comes to mind. Boy, that was stupid! But the fact remains that republicans are all about money and wealth, with no concern whatsoever for the plight of the common citizen. Democrats, while lacking the backbone to right the ship of state in these stormy waters, do have compassion for the less fortunate among us and are the lesser of the two evils.

I’m grateful to the handful of fellow citizens who urged me on in my campaign but I now throw my full support behind President Barack Obama and hope you’ll do the same. He deserves a second term since the republicans torpedoed everything he tried to do in his first term to get us out of the Great Recession. If you want to bring America out of recession, lower the unemployment rate, and keep the social safety net that we all depend upon, re-elect Mr. Obama and vote the republicans out of office. If you do that, four years from now you’ll be asking, “What recession”? Thank you all and may God bless the progressive and compassionate citizens of this great country.