Book of Life

 At the moment we’re born, we begin a quest for knowledge.  All quests require that many questions be asked.  At first the questions are simple, like: “Why am I not in that warm, wet, dark place anymore?”, or: “Who is this giant woman and why does she keep sticking her tits in my mouth?”.  Answers to the simple questions propagate more complex questions, that get harder to answer the older we get.  I feel sorry for those who never ask the really tough questions, but rather just accept the religious and political rhetoric that is spoon-fed to them.  The toughest questions of all have to do with the meaning of life, and seem to have no answers in this dimension.  But only by asking them and seriously seeking acceptable answers can we step back from our mundane struggle for survival and get a glimpse of the big picture.  These are the questions I most enjoy pondering and, in doing so, have come to some interesting conclusions.

Question # 1:  Is there a God?

Probably.  Why else would there be a universe?  Who (or what) else could have created such an infinite and wonderful collection of cosmological phenomena?  I prefer to refer to this deity as “The Supreme Creator of the Universe”, or “The Great Physicist”.   Take a walk in the woods sometime and look around.  Did all this come into being by accident or by some grand design?  Is life on this planet (or any other for that matter) just a by-product of cosmic creation, or is there some purpose behind it?

 Question # 2:  What is the universe?

The universe is the mind of the Supreme Creator.  Think of our planet as nothing more significant than an electron – one of nine – orbiting a nucleus (the sun).  That makes our solar system equivalent to an atom.  Billions of these atoms make up our galaxy which is one neuron in the mind of God.  This seemingly infinite mind contains trillions upon trillions of these neurons.  So, if our solar system were blown to bits tomorrow, the effect would be of no more consequence to the universe than if we lost one atom of our brain matter.

 Question # 3:  What is God like?

God is definitely a woman, for only a woman could make my life so miserable.  Seriously, though, this is one of the questions we may never answer unless we meet her face to face.  But I feel confident enough in my theory to risk burning in hell for blasphemy.  The god that humans worship is an alien, and I don’t mean as in: “You ain’t from around here, are ya’?”.  I mean an alien like from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men.  And because he came here from the sky, the early humans naturally assumed he must be God.  And just as naturally, this alien went along with it.  If you visited a less evolved planet of humanoids and wanted them to hear you and obey you, wouldn’t it be to your advantage to let them think you were actually the Supreme Creator of the Universe?  Fortunately for us, this alien was a good alien who wanted to lead us down the path of goodness and righteousness.  So, it’s not a bad thing for humans to strive to be as good and righteous as these alien visitors.  When I began to read the Bible with the “alien god” in mind, everything began to make sense. The Bible is full of accounts of alien visitations that were recorded by mere humans to the best of their limited ability.  Genesis Chapter 6 verse 4, however, is one of the most obvious: 

There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.

God supposedly only had one son who didn’t appear for another 6,000 years.  So… sons of God, or just some big, horny aliens? 

Question # 4:  Creation or Evolution?

I want to put this question to rest once and for all.  Creationists are narrow-minded, blithering idiots.  They make the mistake of taking the Bible literally, down to each and every word.  Remember that modern man appeared on this Earth 8 to 10-thousand years ago.  Humans didn’t develop the ability to write until about 4-thousand years ago.  Therefore, whoever wrote the story wasn’t there and could only explain it in simplistic terms.  Charles Darwin showed us a more plausible scenario.  The Bible says that the creation was accomplished in six days.  But if you substitute the word “days” with, say, “a billion years”, the two theories coexist beautifully.  The evolution of this planet and the creatures on it unfolds in the same order in both theories, and the dichotomy exists purely because of semantics.  YOU CAN’T TAKE THE BIBLE LITERALLY! 

Science tells us that humanoids (Homo-erectus, Cro-Magnon, etc.) evolved here naturally over hundreds of thousands of years just like the fish in the sea, the beasts of the fields, and the fowl of the air.  However, something interesting happened about 8,000 years ago when Adam and Eve supposedly appeared here.  Humans all of a sudden became sentient.  This is when the alien god first introduced alien DNA into the human genome and caused a rapid evolution in our brains.  The story goes that Adam and Eve were the first humans on Earth, and they had two sons.  Cain slew Able, received a mark to indicate that he was a murderer, and was banished into the world.  Then Cain took a wife.  Who was this woman and where did she come from?  Perhaps she was a cave woman, or a sister who wasn’t written about,  or maybe the whole story of Adam’s family, the creation and the Garden of Eden is bogus. 

Question # 5:  What is Heaven like?

I don’t profess to know the answer to this question.  I’ve never been there and chances are good that I never will, but the Bible does give some clues that Heaven is not the golden palace in the clouds as Christians believe, or a place where a true believer will be rewarded with 70 virgins as the Muslims believe.  Heaven is, again, the universe and the mind of God, and it’s not all a bed of roses.  There are good aliens and bad ones out there.  Satan has become the poster demon for the dark side.  Few people know that Satan was once one of God’s most trusted angels and that he resided in Heaven.  Before our world began, there developed a power struggle between the good  and bad aliens: 

Revelation 12:7 -9  And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven. And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him. 

Question # 6:  So what happens when we die?

Matter can neither be created nor destroyed – only changed from one form to another.  Our physical bodies are merely vessels for our souls.  When we die, all our physical energy is converted back into the intense ball of pure energy and light that is the true essence of ourselves.  Then we are freed from the constraints of this physical dimension.  Free of hunger and pain.  Free of the limitations of time and space.  Free to roam the universe and partake of all its wonders, and by doing so, add to the power of the mind of The Supreme Creator.

 Question # 7:  Is Jesus the Son of God?

Jesus is an alien/human hybrid, conceived with sperm from the alien god and the egg of a virgin human female.  The miracle of the virgin birth is easily explained as the insemination of Mary by alien sperm.  In Luke Chapter 1, an alien appeared to Mary and told her of the plan. 

Luke 1:34 Then said Mary unto the angel, How shall this be, seeing I know not a man?

Luke 1:35 And the angel answered and said unto her, The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee: therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God.

 So, Jesus is the son of the alien god and the son of man.  He performed his miracles and was raised from the dead by virtue of his father’s superior technology and medical know-how.  He is a very good hybrid being who endured the worst that humanity could throw at him in order to show us the right way to live our lives.  We should all strive to follow his example. 

Question # 8:  Why are we here?

Most people take comfort in the idea that we were put here for some lofty purpose and that we are unique in the universe.  Christians say: “God put us here, we are his children, and He put us here to worship and serve Him (or “serve his purposes”).”   His purposes are laid out in the end-time prophecies that appear in several books of the Bible.  We are all actors in this cosmic drama of the struggle between good and evil.  This drama was written before humans even appeared on Earth.  So we are here mainly to fulfill the prophecies.  For the events of 9-11 to happen, 3-thousand people had to die.  For the end-time prophecies to be fulfilled, 1/3 of the world’s population will have to die. That’s over 2-billion people at this point in time.  Apparently, those unfortunate people are alive here on Earth for one purpose… to die.  The prophecies also tell of the rise of the antichrist to great power.  This can only happen if a majority of the world is blind enough and gullible enough to empower him along the way.  It would be analogous to G.W. Bush’s enigmatic rise to power and how the gullible republican voters put him there, and kept him there, despite the stupid things he said and the dangerous, destructive things he did.  They were blind to the things he got away with right in front of them.  Continuing the analogy, if Bush were the antichrist, it would have been the republicans role to be deceived and to give him his power.  A lot of republicans think Obama is the antichrist.

 The antichrist will supposedly sustain a mortal head wound that will be miraculously healed and the people will be amazed.  I like to think that my reason for existing, and my role in the cosmic drama, is to be the one who recognizes the antichrist, exposes him,  and inflicts that mortal head wound. 

Question # 9:  Then why bother?

Because we have no choice.  Our destinies were carved out long ago and the drama has been cast.  BUT… as long as you’re breathing, there’s hope.  Maybe I’m completely wrong (not likely).  Maybe the Bible prophecies are meaningless drivel.  Maybe the good and evil aliens will take their battle to another planet and spare ours.  Go forward with hope for better things, and with reverence for the alien god and his hybrid son.  But always look over your shoulder, and be forever vigilant, for the Great Deceiver is alive and well, living among us, and he’s ready to dominate the world.  Of that, I have no doubt.

Question # 10:  So, what am I?

I am a Christian-with-a-twist.  Yeah, I’m twisted alright (I hear you thinking). The good aliens are obviously on our side, or they wouldn’t keep trying to get us to do the right thing.  I simply recognize them for what they really are.  I truly appreciate the agony that Jesus endured for me – for all of us.  He is the ultimate role model.  I love him and I know that he will return as he said he would.  When asked what church I attend, I say: “the Church of Saint Mattress”, because I don’t go for organized religion.  It was contrived by men and, therefore, is a flawed institution.  Each religion or denomination believes that theirs is the only true path to God.  They can’t all be right, and so must all be suspect.  I think Governor Jesse Ventura had it right when he said, “Religion is a crutch for weak-minded people.”  If you don’t like being told what to believe and you are capable of thinking for yourself, you don’t need organized religion.  Every thinking person must seek his own answers and find the truth that works for him.  That is what I’ve done and I’m comfortable with my conclusions.

The Bible, the Quran, the Torrah, etc. were all written by, translated by, and edited by men and therefore are also flawed.  I do believe that, despite man, a lot of truth survived within the Christian Bible.  You just have to find it.

                                                                                                                                               

The following list of Life’s Rules is in no particular order and may be ammended from time to time:

Rule # 1:  Humans Are Scum.

Like pond scum, most humans, given the opportunity, will sink to the darkest, murkiest depths of the pond.  Occasionally, a glob of scum will develop an air bubble, break loose, rise to the surface, and become a car salesman, a lawyer, or even president of the U.S.  These globs are still bottom scum… they just float on the surface above the rest of the scum who mistakenly revere the surface floaters’ ability to get where they are.

Rule # 2:  There are no limits to human arrogance.

We are the only intelligent life-form in the universe.

My religion is the only true religion.

The richer I get, the better human being I will be.

Rule # 3:  Republicans are Evil

Rule # 4:  Humans will make things as complicated as possible.

Rule # 5:  Most accidents happen because:

We decide, halfway into an action, that another course of action would be a better one.

Rule # 6:  Farts are the funniest things in the world.

Unless you’re confined with someone else’s farts and there’s no escape.

Rule # 7:  Always strive for perfection:

You’ll never make it, but you’ll constantly get closer than you are now.

Rule # 8:  If humans must bear children…

They should be able to afford them.  They should control them.  They should have to pass an IQ test first.   They should respect those of us who don’t want them, don’t have them, and don’t think they’re cute.

Rule # 9:  Marriage is for people who want to have children.

If you’re not going to have children, why complicate your life?  People are not naturally monogamous.  People change.  Circumstances change.  You CAN have the milk without buying the cow.

Rule # 10:  Dog spelled backward is God.

Dogs are God’s finest creation.  To say they don’t have a soul is ludicrous.  Nowhere else in nature will you find such unconditional love.  If I were St. Peter, I’d let dogs into heaven before humans.

Rule # 11:  Energy is wasted on the young.

During the first third of life, we are like cherry bombs – full of energy and looking for any excuse to explode.  The second third of life is spent trying to squelch this over-abundant, and sometimes destructive, energy in the next generation.  The last third of life (when we’re at our smartest and most mature, and have time to get out and do things)  is spent wishing we had just a fraction of the energy we had as kids.

Rule # 12:  Question Everything.

Rule # 13:  Trust No one.

Rule # 14:  If you wait long enough, many broken things will fix themselves.